I woke up
thought you’re still here
guess I’m wrong,
I didn’t get up
thinking about you
and last night,
it was fun
and hope for you too
but I don’t know,
we were naked
saying I love you,
we were drunk
I imagined you’re here
right by my side
but you didn’t.
I wish I was a unicorn, a beautiful kind of unicorn with a horn made with precious diamonds. I wish I can run fast like a cheetah, the kind of fast where I can level myself in a light years fast. I wish I was a lion, the boss of the jungle, the one that roars like a king, and the one with beautiful hair.
I wish I am someone else, not that I don’t like myself now. I just want to be someone else, the one who never suffer from a severe sadness and pain yet, the one who can easily be love by someone, and the one who smiles for real, not the kind of smile where it conceals loneliness. Even just for a day.
It’s been months or almost a year since the accident but still, he’s lying on the bed with needles and machines around him. He is just sleeping or maybe astral travelling on his own and never yet woken up. He already spent special occasion on his bed, alone but never bothered about it. It’s been couple of months since the last time a friend or a family visited him but still he didn’t have any single care about it. He is living now on his own, or maybe the insurance company is backing him up well financially but a personal contact is nowhere to see. It’s like his already dead but not literally, or maybe it’s worse than death. His situation is worse than anything, maybe. He’s lying on the bed alone and only the machines around him can understand how he’s been doing for almost a year. Maybe the doctors and the nurses can answer specific questions but they can’t answer or never can answer how it feels to be alive but not really alive or to be dead but not really dead.
The hospital can’t decide what to do him and besides having him inside the hospital is not really a burden, he actually means business to them. The family decided to stay away from him and never touch any pen to sign. They are mad at him, extremely mad where they rather let him live like dead than literally dead. The lawyer told the family the all the things he left are named after a community, no single name after them. They requested for more ways to get the things he left, the things they deserved or they thought they deserved but no legal action can change his decision. They are clueless why; even it’s definitely obvious to them.
He’s still breathing but not anymore on his own. He’s still alive but scientifically death. He’s like a joke but in terms that you can’t laugh. He’s sad but you can’t tell how sad. He’s just sleeping or maybe astral travelling, watching all the people who think thoughts about him. He’s smiling or maybe laughing.
Take my hand
and hold tight,
This will be roller coaster ride
but not that dizzy
and not that scary,
Look me in the eye
tell that you’re okay
stay calm and smile,
I will not let go
never will hurt
never will leave,
Hold my hand
and I’ll keep you warm
don’t lose hope,
Few more push
and things will be done
every thing will be okay,
Look me in the eye
and listen to the sound
did you hear that?
It’s his voice
our little angel
the greatest gift in the world.
You wouldn’t like me - Tegan and Sara
There’s a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?
I, I feel like, I wouldn’t like me if I met me
Well I can’t stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven’t called me in weeks and honestly it’s bringing me down
Oh, I, I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me
I, I feel like, you wouldn’t like me if you met me
Everybody misses their childhood, like the stuff they used to do or things used to spoon feed them. They misses the games and the stories, they misses the laughter and the joy of their past while here I am trying to ignore all the stuff that might pull me in a time machine where I will review all the nightmare I had when I was a little boy, all the pain I had and tried to forget when I was child. A past I desperately want to erase in my memories, escape the picture of my childhood murder crime. It was really hard to have this kind of room of thoughts inside your head specially when you actually still feel all the pain inside your soul. I still have all the monster of my childhood inside me and pushing them away was never an option.
They have nothing to say to each other. The room was eaten by silence, so quite that you can hear how the wind runs around the room. They weren’t looking at each other but they do think about themselves, aware from what just happened. Everything was like a broken puzzle board, every pieces was scattered on the floor. No one dare to move and try to pick up the pieces, no one dare to get up and assemble it again, and no one dare to bother what happened to the puzzle board. They were just in the room but their head was in some place far away from their consciousness. It was a weird day for the both of them, not an ordinary day and definitely not that day they expected. It was like a living cancer that put a scar on their relationship. They know that there’s no one to blame but themselves. They accepted that fact that the scene was not a murder crime but rather a self destruction ticking bomb that they both made. And then the bomb exploded right in their faces.
He cheated on her. He slept with his wife’s best friend. Every time that she was out, working for their family, he was not just watching the kids. He always invites his wife’s best friend to have fun, to make love in the presence of their kids. He did this for almost ten years. He even got a child with her best friend who turned out to be his wife’s godson. He screwed his wife’s best friend.
She cheated on him. She slept with her boss. Every working hour, she was not checking bank bills like her husband knows but rather she was sitting on her boss’s lap. She was riding the chair of lust just to earn enough money for her family, for his husband. She was not a bank executive but a mistress of her best friend’s Dad. She was not there to visit her best friend; she was there to have fun. She did this for almost ten years and even got a child from her best friend’s dad who turned out to be her husband’s son.
They both knew what’s been going on for almost ten years at the same time. It was same time when her best friend’s dad went to their house to deal with her husband who been screwing his daughter. The same time he knew that his wife was having affair with the dad of his wife’s best friend. They all met at their house where words were thrown to each other and then punches came next. Everything went to a freak show until both of them went silent. They sat on the kitchen chair, didn’t talk or move while the best friend and her dad was lying on the floor, covered with their own blood.
People will love and hate you. Some of them will be at your back either ready to catch you when you fall or will stab you in no time. Some of them will be in front of you either will fight for you or will be your opponent. This is the reality of life, it is a battlefield and the only person you can trust is yourself.
Ilang tasang kape na ang nalagok
pero tila lunod parin sa lungkot
problemang sobrang nakakasulasok
at patuloy na nababalot ng takot,
Ilang ulan na rin ang nagdaan
panahong binalot ng lamig
at tila walang masandalan
sa gumuguhong daigdig,
Pilit na kumakapit
sa talim ng pag-iisa
tinitiis ang bawat hagupit
at patuloy na naniniwala sa pag-sa.
The word “forever” only exist on dictionary and not really applicable in reality. We used to hear it in every fairy tales, but our world is definitely not like that and it will never be like that. We can’t help ourselves to tell those words with someone we really love, to make them happy and let them know how much we love them but sometimes, those words can be too lethal that might kill you, not literally but it hurts a lot. There is no legal action that might sue you if ever you say that but it will be more calm if you don’t. Just like the saying says, “action speaks louder than words”.